Love & Monsters Redux: A 10th Doctor Drabble
by webaholic
Summary: If you thought the ending of "Love & Monsters" lacked a certain element of humour or left you unsatisfied, try this short romp on for size. The Doctor puzzles how best to assist Elton and Ursula, but isn't quite sure on whom to call. Not really a cross-over, although the day is saved by a well-loved character. One-shot.


We begin with "Love & Monsters," but stop just short of the point where Ursula reaches out and gets sucked in.

...

Suddenly, the hoarse grating noise of a peculiar TARDIS intruded on the spectacle. The assembled folks froze, eyes trained on the unlikely entrant as the Doctor emerged.

Elton seemed to be the only one able to move. He rushed to the Doctor, tugged at his sleeve, and demanded, "DO SOMETHING!"

The Doctor, hands thrust deeply into his pockets, lolled back and forth on the balls of his feet, eyes switching side to side like a black cat novelty clock, doing everything to appear innocent, short of actually puckering his lips in a tuneless whistle. "Not sure this is quite my area of expertise."

Elton exploded, "What do you mean? Can't you fix this situation? The love of my life is about to make a tragic mistake and you just stand there?" He looks around. "Wh-why is everyone just standing there?"

"Some sort of dimensional wobble, I suspect," said Rose, peering around the open door of the TARDIS.

Elton appealed to her. "Can't you make him do something?"

Rose shrugged. "Dunno if that's the best tactic. Sometimes his interventions don't turn out exactly the way he thinks they will." At a mournful glance from the Doctor, she added, "Just being honest."

"Well, I say we need The Doctor."

The Doctor, wandering around the room whilst inspecting the situation, remarked, "I agree we need *a* Doctor."

Rose nodded. To Elton's perplexed visage she explained, "There's more than one kind of Doctor, you know. What we are sadly lacking is a Plot Doctor." She tossed her mobile phone, which the Doctor neatly caught.

He frowned at the display for a moment, then hit a speed dial. "Yes, may I please speak with Joseph. ... Hello, yes I realize it's been a while since we've shared a pint, but I had a quick favour to ask. ... I wondered if you might have the S_erenity_ do a quick fly-by and sort out a nasty situation. I'm in search of a happy ending, you see. ... What do you mean, 'PSSSH!'? I'm abysmally fond of happy endings and I need you to engineer one. ... No, preferably a plot which doesn't kill off a beloved character. Why would anyone sour a nice little tale by doing that?" He flipped the phone shut. "Hmph, 'angst and catharsis,' can't even keep his reasoning in one language."

"I could have told you he'd only leave us Jossed in Space," Rose pouted.

"Who to call, who to call? And please don't say -"

"Ghostbusters!" crowed Elton. Responding to the put-upon look, he suggested, "Stephen King?"

"Naaah."

"Maybe Sam from 'Quantum Leap'?"

"Oh, Davies would never hear of it."

"I know," Rose said. She took her phone, dialed, then upped the volume. "A man who used to be in a little group called The Move." As strains of "Do Ya" danced in the air, she clarified, "Jeff Lynne."

"Perfect!" Elton swayed in time as the lyrics melted over him like a butterscotch stream. "In the country where the sky touches down on the field, she lay her down to rest in the morning sun ..."

And in a flash, Ursula reanimated. She grabbed the alien's stick and bashed him roundly with it, hollering, "Take that, ya muckle pile of plasmatic flatulence!"

Kennedy, waving his hands in vain effort at self-protection, protested, "Come, come, my dear, this is the natural order of things. You don't want to disturb Nature, do you?"

"DO YA, DO YA WANT MY LOVE?" Elton chanted at the top of his lungs.

Ursula attacked with greater ferocity, egged on by the twin powers of love and survival. The cane shattered on Victor's pate; Ursula, weaponless, backed toward the TARDIS.

Kennedy, as affronted as a monster could be, snivelled, "See here, you've broken my stick."

Ursula waved a scrawny fist at him. "I'll break more than that, ya yahoo!"

Kennedy joined in the singing with a sneer, his voice a gravelly growl of gustatory expectation, "I've seen enough of the world to know, I've got to get it all, to get it all to grow."

The music faded, as if sucked into a black hole.

"Here, here," rang the voice of a petite, fresh-faced woman, entering the room as the others were occupied in their struggle. "This is absolutely no way to conclude a story about young love and messianic aliens."

"Just the thing!" The Doctor burbled.

"Quite!" added Rose, returning to the TARDIS now that the menace seemed on the verge of being vanquished by the newcomer.

The prim character stood, posture straight as a coat rack's center pole, and stated with no room for equivocation, "What we need is for YOU to disappear - " Kennedy crumpled under the onslaught of a very large carpet bag, vanishing into the floor without leaving so much as a bump in the concrete, " - and for YOU to properly declare your intentions toward this beautiful young lady."

Elton, poked gently in the back by the tip of parrot-handled umbrella, fell to his knees in front of Ursula.

"Um, I'd like to save you for a rainy day."

"Reeeally, have you no idea of a proper proposal? I wish Bert were available, but he's up to his eyebrows in dirty chimneys."

Elton swallowed and tried again. "Ursula, we have so much in common and I know that you're the prettiest girl it's ever been my great pleasure to know and I think that we should be together forever and always and would you possibly consider being my life's mate?"

Ursula took his hands in her own, drew him to a standing position, and gave him a kiss that took his breath - and a great deal of saliva as well - away for hours to come. "Yes, Elton, I will consent to be your lady, now and for all of time."

The Doctor opened his mouth to make a metaphysical comment. Rose peeked around the door of the TARDIS, eyebrows drawn together; the Doctor shifted from speaking to smiling, shuffling back to rejoin his companion.

Mary Poppins gave a discreet and civilised round of applause, then turned to go. Over her shoulder as she departed the basement room, the assembled group thought they heard her say, "See you in the funny papers, Doctor."


End file.
